Born to kill....myself
So not long after that, Paul the psychiatrist he called me and he said ‘will you come and see me?’ And he said ‘look I’m going to give you a chance Peter, I’m going to cut your drugs by 50%’ and he did. And I felt a lot better, I could be more active.
But I was still searching for meaning and understanding. No-one had helped me to make sense of it all, so I tried again, to evaluate my own life. I had been sexually abused, I lost my family, I lost my business, I had been told I will never have a future, I had been told I would never ever work again and I thought – perhaps then, I was born to kill myself. Its pre-ordained. This is my destiny. I thought – before I go and kill myself, I will go and tell Paul the psychiatrist. Which you can imagine is not the wisest move I have ever made. So I went to see him. Paul’s consulting room is very small and I said to him ‘Paul I’ve worked it out’ so he says to me ‘come on, then what’s it all about?’ Now – when you have taken medication for years - you get words and thought blocking - and I said ‘Paul I was born to kill’…. and for the life of me I couldn't think of the word ‘myself’. So you can imagine it! I am sitting in this psychiatrists tiny room saying ‘Paul I was born to kill’ and you have never seen the chair go to the back of that wall as fast in your life. He doubled my medication, sectioned me and went to work in a different Trust!
So I never got a chance to tell him I didn't mean it really. But I have still got a lot of respect for him, and I always will have.