Putting myself on trial

The problem with abuse is its not one-dimensional, its layered.  You’ve got fear, guilt, anger, confusion, shame.  Guilt was a big thing for me.  I didn’t want the abuse but my body told me it was nice.  I enjoyed some of it.  So it gets very confusing.  So I realised that I had got to let this guilt go.  So I decided I was going to put myself on trial.  I was going to weigh up the evidence for and against.  But one of my fears of doing this was ‘what if I find myself guilty?’ Some of the evidence is there that I enjoyed it.  I thought long and hard about it, and I thought, actually does it matter?  I can’t get any lower than where I’ve been.  I’ve been on the street.  I’ve slept in a stair well.  People have peed on me.  I can’t get any lower than what I have been through.  I found myself not guilty and innocent of all charges because I was the child.  I didn’t choose to be abused.  By not having that choice, I don't have to carry any guilt.  So when I let that guilt go I started listening more to the voices, and there is always a dominant voice.  I’d always said my dominant voice was demonic, subconsciously I knew it was the voice of my abuser, but because of the fear, I wouldn’t let her voice come through.  But having faced her in the living, I no longer feared her.