Putting myself on trial
The problem with abuse is its not one-dimensional, its layered. You’ve got fear, guilt, anger, confusion, shame. Guilt was a big thing for me. I didn’t want the abuse but my body told me it was nice. I enjoyed some of it. So it gets very confusing. So I realised that I had got to let this guilt go. So I decided I was going to put myself on trial. I was going to weigh up the evidence for and against. But one of my fears of doing this was ‘what if I find myself guilty?’ Some of the evidence is there that I enjoyed it. I thought long and hard about it, and I thought, actually does it matter? I can’t get any lower than where I’ve been. I’ve been on the street. I’ve slept in a stair well. People have peed on me. I can’t get any lower than what I have been through. I found myself not guilty and innocent of all charges because I was the child. I didn’t choose to be abused. By not having that choice, I don't have to carry any guilt. So when I let that guilt go I started listening more to the voices, and there is always a dominant voice. I’d always said my dominant voice was demonic, subconsciously I knew it was the voice of my abuser, but because of the fear, I wouldn’t let her voice come through. But having faced her in the living, I no longer feared her.