Confronting the past
I invited the Network to Sheffield and one of the people there, Terry McClachlan was a psychologist and has now turned into a very good friend. In talking with him I said ‘I like the way you work with voices Terry because you are talking about voices as identities, but my voices don’t have an identity, they have no gender, they are demonic’. And Terry was a very studious Marxist so it took him about half an hour and then he looked me in the face and said ‘Peter address the demons of your past’. Now all Terry knew about me was the voice hearing, he knew nothing about my past. The demon of my past was my abuser, and I realized I had to address these demons.
I actually saw her walking down the road one Saturday afternoon. My first instinct was to run. But I didn’t I kept walking. My heart was really pounding. But I kept eye contact all the way. And as I got close to her, she wouldn’t look me in the face, and I thought perhaps I could still get this woman in a lot of trouble. Just by getting her to look away. I altered the power relationship. I thought this woman hasn’t got any hold over me. Its something we need to remember in life. Nobody can give us power, we’ve got to take it. I suddenly realized. I’ve took this power back but so what? How am I going to use it? So I contacted my children and I said ‘please don’t contact me for a couple of weeks, I’m locking myself away. I want to try and do something’. Then I really started listening to the content of the voices, and they were always talking about the abuse. Your body responds when your thirteen to a woman’s touch, you get an erection. And the voices say ‘if you didn’t want it that wouldn’t happen’. So you get all these mixed messages. But what I also realized was - I was seeing through a child’s eyes, not an adults eyes. These voices are talking about things I hadn’t dealt with as an adult, I was still seeing them through a child’s perspective. So I decided I had to change the whole relationship.